How do we raise compassionate kids?

03 September 2019

In a world where we often teach our kids to toughen up and turn the other cheek, the flip-side is reaching out to others with kindness. Whether we’re holding a door open, walking a dog or talking to someone who looks lonely, these simple acts of kindness can help make the world a better place.

Our children grow in many more ways than expected through kindness and compassion. By modelling empathy and encouraging it in our children, we are helping them learn to care about others, which leads to positive feelings of self-worth and hope for the future. This care and concern for others is the key to a happy and meaningful life.

University of the Sunshine Coast early childhood education lecturer Dr Ali Black says that for success in life and learning, parents need to set a solid foundation so children can learn how to connect with other people.

“There’s research that says that children who have social and emotional skills, like being able to show empathy and compassion and kindness, that they’re going to be better at school, they’re going to achieve more, because they’ve got a stronger self-concept and a stronger awareness of other people,” she explains.

Parents have an important role in helping their children recognise the feelings of other people and to relate that to how they might feel if they were in that situation, advises Ali.

“Children take their cues from us, as parents, and if we want our children to be more kind or more caring, more compassionate, then they need to see us treating them with that and they need to see us treating other people with that in mind,” Ali says.

The early years

Babies have the ability to respond to the emotions of others from birth, according to the Raising Children’s Network. By the time they are one year old, children are beginning to show concern for others and often try to comfort them. A study found that more than half the children aged 13-15 months had tried to hug, pat or touch another person who was distressed.

These early signs of empathy increase with age and children respond in a wider variety of ways as they grow, for example, with a verbal response (Are you OK?) or sharing a favourite toy or blanket. However, the Raising Parent’s Network advises that young children will not show empathy all the time, and they will get better at showing their emotions as they get older.

Ali says that her own children definitely had the capacity to understand and respond to her emotions from an early age. She remembers her children, aged two and four, came onto the stage during a eulogy at her mother’s funeral and cuddled her for the length of the talk. Adults don’t need to hide their feelings of sadness in these situations, says Ali, as they are opportunities for children to understand that we’re human, that we’re sad and that they can comfort us.

We need to spend time with our children, sharing stories and experiences, though Ali advises that we don’t need to set aside “empathy hour". It’s the everyday interactions that are most important, for example, chatting during the family dinner or even while driving along in the car.

“Parents need to have conversations with their children about their experiences, to talk about and value emotions and relationships with others. We want children to have empathy and emotional intelligence for a better world. They are citizens now and of the future,” she says.

Kindness begins at home

Learning to make real connections with the wider community begins at home, where parents can demonstrate a kind and caring attitude. This gives children a secure and stable base for understanding and responding to the needs of others.

Growing up in a warm, loving home is important for children’s healthy development, but not everyone has a home environment where positive qualities like care and concern for others are valued. When deprived of love, children tend to focus more on their own needs and wants.

Ali explains that every child’s background and experiences are different, and this will shape their behaviours and understandings, therefore, teachers have a responsibility to build a caring climate in the classroom to help those children whose emotional radars may be “a little bit challenged” by difficulties at home.

Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, advises that love is the most important nourishment for children, who cannot survive without the care of others.

“The happiness of childhood, the allaying of the child's many fears and the healthy development of its self-confidence all depend directly upon love,” he says. “Nowadays, many children grow up in unhappy homes. If they do not receive proper affection, in later life they will rarely love their parents and, not infrequently, will find it hard to love others. This is very sad.”

The Dalai Lama says that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion, so the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes.

“Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease,” he says. “This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life.”

Community connections

Superficial connections are created through social media and technology these days, but there is an increasing sense of disconnection and isolation from others. Children need real community connections to give their lives meaning, however, it’s harder to achieve that because we live such hectic lives, burdened with stress and busyness.

“We don’t know our neighbours very well and there’s not that connection that perhaps culturally or historically or traditionally there might have been,” Ali says.

Ali remembers going with her mother to a retirement home when she was a child, to visit the elderly residents, many of whom were lonely.

“I had really long hair and the old ladies used to love touching my hair and plaiting my hair,” she says. “That’s just an exercise that Mum thought was important for me to understand and I’m not sure I liked going there all the time, but I think it was good for me to see that I could bring joy and smiles to somebody very easily without doing very much at all.”

Community connections offer places for support and relationship-building, so children can feel part of the wider world in which they live, says Ali. These connections could be developed through a sporting group or an activity like singing or dancing. Children thrive when given the opportunity to act responsibly.

“There are small ways that we can make our community kinder,” she says. “Responding to each other with care is really important. It’s important for strong, loving relationships and for children to feel accepted.”

The ripple effect

A simple act of kindness creates a ripple effect that touches others’ lives and inspires them to be kind. Melbourne mother-of-two Lisa Currie is actively helping people share positive acts of kindness through the Ripple Kindness Project (www.ripplekindness.org), which she says is a natural solution to some of our most threatening social issues, including bullying, depression and exclusion.

“The aim is quite simply to help improve people’s lives by introducing them to the feel-good emotions they experience when doing a kind deed and to help reduce social, emotional and mental health issues within homes, schools and communities,” Lisa explains.

Lisa says the easiest place to start is at home and she urges parents to be kind themselves, to create kindness within the home and to show their children by example how to be kind. We feel happier and healthier and we actually have more energy, says Lisa, so we want our children to feel these good emotions that arise from care and concern for others.

Children can start with small tasks that are thoughtful and caring, such as drying the dishes or giving their parent a hug. Acts of kindness outside the home include picking up a piece of rubbish and putting it in the bin, offering a helping hand or even opening a door for some-one.

“They’re really simple little things but they’re just things that make people feel good,” Lisa says.

Lisa says one of the most effective things parents can do is to take their children into the city to buy a homeless person a meal.

“It can be quite overwhelming for children who have never seen a person living on the street, but it’s a wonderful way to start a discussion about why people end up homeless, how they live, and how helping someone less fortunate is a way of offering support,” she says.

Kids learn best from seeing what others are doing and by being involved themselves, so Lisa suggests an activity like a Red Shield Appeal doorknock where they accompany a parent, help write receipts and tally money.

Another kindness activity is for kids to go through their toys, books and clothes, and donate anything they no longer use to needy children.

“Explain that there are children who aren’t as lucky as they are that would love their unused items,” Lisa says. “Perhaps they could donate to the school they attend where the well-being teacher can distribute them to needy children within the school.”

Compassionate service

Altruism is concern for the misfortune of others, along with the desire to help them without any expectation of personal gain. A wonderful example of service is found in the work of revered humanitarian Mother Teresa, who dedicated her life to the poorest of the poor with an all-embracing love that inspired and touched many lives.

Mother Teresa’s charitable work began in the slums of Calcutta, where she cared for the homeless, the destitute, the sick and dying, with great compassion and humility. Her service to others through the Missionaries of Charity was recognised internationally with the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979, however, her kindness and selfless devotion to others took place on a simple, personal level. “Do ordinary things with extraordinary love,” she said.

Of course, we can’t drop everything and go to work in the Calcutta slums, like Mother Teresa, but her example can inspire us to reach out to others, instead of turning a blind eye to their misfortune. We can play our part by finding simple ways to be kind and caring at home and in our own community. As parents, we have to step up and show our children by example how they can make a difference to the world through kindness and compassion.

Kind ideas to help children pay it forward

  • give a compliment
  • ask why someone looks sad
  • clean a friend’s car
  • do a job without being paid
  • Talk to a friend who looks lonely
  • Smile at people
  • pick up rubbish
  • make your parent’s bed
  • Leave flowers on a windscreen
  • bake a cake for someone
  • tell your grandparents you love them
  • give someone a big hug
  • make a card to thank your teacher
  • include people when you play
  • share your toys
  • return a shopping trolley
  • pick something up for someone
  • be kind to everyone

*Source: The Ripple Kindness Project

 

Written by

Sandra Smith

Sandra has been a regular writer for Kids on the Coast magazine since 2009, drawing on her experience as a mother of two and her special interest in parenting issues. She has found the Sunshine Coast an ideal place to raise her children, with its pristine beaches and relaxed lifestyle. Sandra holds a Bachelor of Communications degree and works as a book and web editor. She has also written features for a range of other publications. Sandra loves to travel the world, but there’s no place like home, where she enjoys spending time with family and friends, reading books and working on her novel which is “in progress.” 

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